Never say goodbye...

I know a lot of people have been waiting for this. Infact, a lot of people have been asking me about my love life. I have decided to share with you the one part of my life that I have guarded very secretly up until today. I just thought the best way to get through it is by sharing it with my viewers…

When I was 15, you can say I hardly new anything about love…yea right! By then I had all the info I needed through books, internet, friends…etc. If you asked me what love was then, I could have defined it for you in a thousand ways, but still, even then, what it truly was, how it happened, it was all a mystery to me. I know it sounds funny but it is the truth…

Love crept into my life one night, unannounced, when I was expecting it the least…I first saw her in the carom hall, practicing all by her self. I don’t know why I stared at her, only her…I mean there were many girls in the hall of the same age. I didn’t talk to her…The very same night, I didn’t know why but I started secretly picking on her hair, because it was all bushy with no clips, but, still she looked attractive…I felt something for her, I couldn’t get what it was…

This continued until the tournament was over and by then I realized that these feelings I had for her had a name, love. Funny I didn’t realize it sooner. I wasn’t sure I was going to see her again so I just tried to forget about it and pass it by as a beautiful dream I had. But it proved difficult…very difficult. Luckily, when I confessed this to one of my class mates, he told me that she was in the same tuition class as him. I send her a love letter immediately. I didn’t save a copy, but she still has it. I’m damn sure about that…The thing was I didn’t get a reply in three months…Finally; the hardships of O’level exams drove her off my mind for some time…

The moment the exam was over, she took her place back in my mind…I longed to talk to her, see her, meet her…well, this wish came true in the most “kind” manner. I saw her one night with her boy friend. I wasn’t sure what I felt that night. Again, through this friend of mine, I got her number…but it was she who contacted me first because she had my number through my friend….a relationship was born that day…one I never gave a name to, because it never was constant, it changed from friends to close friends to cousins to brothers…but for me, all those time it was love alone…I never told her then…

After three long years, I finally confessed to her. I gave the relationship a name. I had to go on a trip to Lanka (I’ll be posting about my trip to Lanka as soon as I get the photos) and I had no way of meeting her in private, so I wrote her a letter. Just a confession…here it is…

“Dearest,

Hi, hope you’re doing well. I wanted to tell you something that I’ve wanted to tell you from the moment we met. Maybe you know what I’m going to say. Please listen. Just listen and make a decision, I don’t care what happens in the end I just want you to hear me out.

I’m a simple guy who lives a simple life. I never believed in love at first sight, but from the moment I met you, it changed. Everything changed. I don’t know why it happened. All I know is that I fell in love with a girl who is beautiful enough for me…brave enough for me…good enough for me. I never felt this way about anyone else in my life.

I may not be the strongest or the richest. But tell me something…can strength make love bow down to it? Can money pay the price of love? All I want to say is I LOVE YOU. I may not be the most perfect person on earth, but I know that the love in my heart for you has never changed. Maybe now you hate me for admitting this, but I think its best that I tell you. For almost two years now, I’ve been wondering what you’ll say when I admit this.

I remember a night when I asked you what love was and you told me you had no idea. But I knew that you had a boy friend then. I wonder what type of boy friend he was to not teach you love…how to love…Love is a beautiful feeling…Maybe love has hurt you in the past…I’m asking for a chance to heal those wounds…Please…

When you read this, I won’t be in Male’. But I’ll be here on the 24^th of this month. I had to leave immediately after test, if not; I’d have given you a call and told you everything. Sorry if I have upset you by saying this and I hope you’ll forgive me if I have. I’ll be waiting for an answer…You’ve got till the first of July…I hope you’ll give me clear answer of what you want…Thanks for your time..

From the person whose heart has been beating for you ever since he met you…

**** ”

Time passed, she got the letter but never replied. As July 1^st approached, I was getting a little worried, a bit nervous…but I waited patiently. The reply never came…so, I decided to call her (Swyt advised me to do so; Thanks Swyt dear)…She was a sleep, so I sent her a sms…

“I just want to say sorry cox I know now that I have upset you by confessing what was in my heart…Just forget about me…those memories…the letter…everything…Cox I promise, by sunrise tomorrow morning I’ll have forgotten that we ever met or we were friends once…Good luck and enjoy life…Goodnight and goodbye forever…”

I got a reply from her early morning…

“What kind of message was that supposed to be? :s”

I replied back…

“I sent you a letter confessing that I love you and u didn’t reply…So I took that as a no…Don’t tell me you didn’t read the letter…!”

No reply…I was desperate for an answer…so I sent her another sms… (I didn’t call her because my voice seemed to have vanished at that time)

“You don’t know how it hurts to have loved someone for almost three years and when confessed, never to get an answer…please just please, say something….If you want to talk about it just let me know…before the end of the day….”

She replied this time…

“I read the letter. About the reply, I still haven’t come to a conclusion…but will let you know soon…”

I just thanked her asked her to reply soon…I was finding it very difficult to maintain a straight face…the whole day I spent thinking about it….Finally I got an answer today…it said…

“My dear,

Friendship doesn’t mean that it should end even if we didn’t become lovers…I’m glad that you’re my friend and love you a lot as a bro.

It’s really hard to digest these…Its not easy for me to forget everything…

I don’t blame you for loving me…Maybe it’s my mistake I couldn’t pick out that…

I don’t know why I should end up my friendship for love…it’s not fair…

I respect your feelings…But I never felt anything like that for you…Its true that my life won’t be the same without you…I don’t want to end our relation…I want it forever…I don’t want to end it when we broke up or something…

I want everything to be the same…I never want to have the broken pieces of our relation…I need you cox in these years, my soul accepted you as my bro…please understand me; this is not the end of the world…

Hope you’ll understand me…

Never say goodbye…”

I didn’t know what to say…what to do…I didn’t know what to feel…Sad? Happy? Emotional? Shame? Guilty? Confused? I don’t know what I felt…I just can’t describe it…So after a while I replied…

“Thanks…I don’t want to forget you either…I’m glad you confessed and I’m proud that you told me the truth…Guess I got a bit carried away…You’re right, its not the end of the world…Lets just be like we were before…Sis…2^nd cousin…hehehe..

It hurts to know that I won’t be loved by the one I love…But it feels great to know that I have someone special who loves me as a bro…You’re love is one of a kind…I just need to change the way I love you…It will change…Just need some time…that’s a promise…You’re the greatest pal one can ask for…Thank god I met you….I’ll be your bro till the end…No matter what, never say goodbye…”

I still am not sure what to feel…and I don’t get why I wrote that last sms…but one thing is sure…this chapter of my life is officially over…I can never love her again and I can never love another woman the same…I can only love another woman much more than I loved her…